Nine Dead Gay Guys

Ladymol's Review

Apparently this is the “infamous” film that had the critics walking out at Cannes. It’s been described as the worst British film ever made. Good. It only confirms me in my opinion that we’ve become a sad, po-faced, politically correct country where brilliant independent filmmaking is going under due to lack of funding. This film is bloody brilliant. It’s the funniest thing I’ve seen for ages. It’s so non-PC that you sort of watch it wide-eyed, wondering whether you’re actually seeing what you are seeing.

Byron is a lazy Irish layabout (are we allowed to imply that the Irish are lazy?) who has moved to London and lives by giving old gay men blowjobs in the toilets (are we allowed to imply that old gay men pay for sex?) (are we allowed to imply that gay men pay for sex in public toilets?) but who has convinced his best friend Kenny that the streets of London are paved with gold and that he should join him (are we allowed to imply that the Irish are thick?). Kenny is soon earning his way, too, but when Joe, their mark, dies in the throes (are we allowed to find someone dying funny?), it comes to light that a local Queen (played to perfection by the gorgeous Michael Praed) has recently died, too, and a complex plot begins to develop that involves a wonderful cast of excruciatingly non-PC characters (Dick-Cheese Deepak springs to mind—the only guy unable to pay men for a blowjob—and you just know why!).

I do wonder if you have to be British to fully get this film. The stereotypes are purely British and the irony is the very heart of our sense of humour.

Do watch the extra features. The documentary on the making of the film is heartbreaking. They made it on almost no budget, running out of that halfway through, the director having bailiffs calling as he’s trying to edit the film. And millions and millions are spent on the mindless trash that Hollywood churns out.   

Get this movie. Invite some friends around and have a brilliantly funny evening.

Cerisaye's Review

A highly controversial but light-hearted comedy you’ll either love or hate depending on your tolerance for “Carry On” movie humour.  It’s vulgar, outrageous and wickedly un-PC, guaranteed to upset the sensitive.  Critics hated it, but audiences got the joke.  Just the sort of thing people who take offence easily love to rail against.

Byron & Kenny are two brash Northern Irish lads seeking their fortune on the streets of London.  Living on a fortnightly giro, supplemented by what they earn hustling gay pubs.  Stephen Berkoff has a cameo as Jeffrey, a widower willing to pay for favours, received with polite gratitude. 

The running joke is that the boys aren’t gay, merely pursuing legitimate and highly lucrative work.  Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Kenny’s arrival coincides with the first a series of unfortunate deaths.  The ‘Queen’ shared a very large bed with Golders Green, an orthodox Jew (“I have to be very careful”) rumoured to have a pile of money stashed in the mattress.  Now the Queen’s gone there’s an opening and an opportunity.  Can one of the boys pass Golders Green’s ‘Big Hard Red Bull Test’ and grab the loot?  Or will they end up among those dead gay guys?

A slew of colourful characters includes a Desperate Dwarf (3’6” tall, with a 3 ½” willy) who hates being called a midget, the formidable Iron Lady (money-grabbing lesbian club owner), and Dick-cheese Deepak, a mini-cab driver who hasn’t had a blowjob in 5 years (for obvious reasons). 

Beyond the comic book slapstick is a morality tale that champions the superiority of love and its physical expression over nuts & bolts meaningless sex.

A great movie if you need a laugh, this is undemanding entertainment.  The best thing is the easy chemistry between the two leads, charismatic Irish boys, Byron & Kenny.  Their enthusiasm is infectious.  A lot of hard work went into bringing this film to the screen, against great odds.  Highly recommended, if you’re broadminded with a slightly sick sense of humour.