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Remember Me - Chapter 5

When I wake up, I have the distinct impression I've been dreaming about Angel all day. Not Angel's body: sprawled on the bed, sated from my body - the thought I fell asleep to - but thoughts of Angel walking with me, talking with me, just being with me. I feel a sense of melancholy and missed opportunity. But not enough to distract from a total, blinding…hunger! I'm hungry! Ravenous! It's like coming back to life…I haven't felt hungry since, since…oh yeah! Since I was the old Spike.

I absolutely have to feed. But I've an even more pressing need. I just have to know what Angel's sent me in the post!

Hey! I'm a hundred and twenty seven years old, and I've never, ever, been sent post before! It's exciting. Post first: blood second.

The Watcher is cooking his tea when I arrive and I hesitate on the doorstep. I feel like something a dog produces that keeps getting traipsed into the house. But his reaction surprises me.

'Spike! Come in. Hungry? Angel said you might drop by to collect this…' and he throws a small parcel at me…'so I got some supplies in for you. Cup of tea to go with it?' He passes me a mug of warm blood and a cup of tea. I feel as if I'd stepped into a film, but I've forgotten my lines. I think he senses my confusion.

'Err, Spike. It was a good thing you did yesterday…yes, I know, you are still evil. I know you don't like being called…good, but nevertheless, it was a good thing you did. You could have…well, enough said. What's in your parcel then?'

I don't want to open it in front of him. Just in case Angel decides this was a good time to acquire a sense of humour. I slip it into my pocket mumbling something about leaving stuff in LA.

It's weird. I am sitting at the Watcher's table, drinking tea and…talking. He's asking my advice about some demon research he's doing. He keeps casting sideways glances at me though, and I feel he's working up to say something.

'Spike, I have something to tell you, which might come as a bit of a shock to you…'


Shit, we both jump as the Slayer, Harris and…oh, do I recognize him? He looks awfully familiar and not in the nice sense of that!

'Giles! Professor Walsh is dead! And Riley has something he needs to tell us…about the Initiative. He was going through her stuff, for shipping, and he found some files. He thinks he knows why they were chipping the demons.'

'Buffy, slow down. Sit down, all of you. Tea?'

'Hostile 17! Err…it's Hostile 17! Buffy, what is Hostile 17 doing here?'

'That's, Spike. He's not hostile and he's not a number. He's our…he's been helping us.'

'You know a Vampire?'

'Only in the biblical sense, Pet.'

Oh God. He didn't even get it. Duh! Brain not in proportion to those muscles I' m thinking. He looks at me as if he could…fuck, do I know him? That look, looks more than familiar. I feel disorientated as if I'm slipping away again, as if I'm not quite…real. Why should a big oaf like this make me feel so…strange?

Hey, what the fuck, I'm full of blood and tea and I've got a nice little pressie to investigate. Time for old Spike to make a quick exit…yep, pretty good evening so far.

Fuck the Initiative, fuck files and important information, fuck all professors, especially fuck military oafs: I've got post!

I can't even wait till I get back to the crypt! I stop in the park on the way back and find a nice secluded spot under a tree.

The writing is almost unfamiliar. Angelus' without the hint of psycho maybe. But it's still done with a nice pen, and proper ink. Angel likes the finer things of life too. There almost seems to be the slightest hesitation in the 'S', of my name. Did he wonder what to put? What name to use? He's written, c/o, in full – 'care of' – it looks funny.


Care of, Mr. R Giles

Makes me smile. What an odd imagery it conjures up. Wonder what the Watcher had to tell me?

The paper is tightly bound with tape. Typical, Angel. I can picture him, in the semi-dark, methodically going round and round this little parcel, till nothing could escape it.

Nothing can get into it either. Fuck. I can't make an inroad anywhere. I cast a quick glance around – deserted – slip into game face, use fangs, back to human. Useful being a Vampire sometimes. There's another, small, wrapped parcel inside, but a note falls into my hand, it’s rolled up and contained in a ring. The note is in Angel's elegant hand, the ring, is the ring from his own finger.


I’m so sorry now that I destroyed your ring. It would have kept you safe for me. This one is no compensation I know, but I thought you might like it.

Before you open the enclosed: firstly, one is only a loan, so don't let your pride get ruffled. Don't be hungry: don't be cold. The second is fully pre-paid. Use it. Please.


Hum. No way am I going to wear any poofy ring from Angel. It’ll be too big anyway. I try it on. Far too loose. I put it on my thumb, better. Well I’ll just leave it there while I open me other parcel. Just to keep the poofy thing out of the way.

I rip open the inner parcel. Ten, one hundred dollar notes and…bugger me!…a mobile phone!

I guess your first ever present, kind of has to be your best ever. But even if a thousand presents had gone before, this would still be the best. I think I'm grinning from ear to ear, but that would be embarrassing, so I can't be. I press the memory key…and yeah…he's programmed in his number.


'Thanks, Mate.'

'Are you alone this time?'

'Oh yeah. Just me and a few squirrels!'

'So, how are you. Really?'

'Surprisingly, I'm okay. Been busy. No time to brood.'

'Giles told me about the baby. What you did. It was a good…'

'Yeah, so everyone keeps telling me.'

'Don't sell yourself short, Spike.'

'Never! You know me…me rates are exorbitant!'

'Hum…so…when are you coming back?'

'I've only been gone one day!'

'Seems longer.'


‘Are you wearing it?’

‘Nah, too poofy. Like you.’

‘Does it fit?’


‘Good. I miss it, makes me think of you when I see it gone. What are you doing now?'

'Talking to you.'

'Funny…I mean…'

'I know what you mean, Angel. I'm probably doing what you're doing…wanker!'

'Oh. Tell me about it then?'

'Ohhh! So that’s what this little pressie is for then, is it? So we can have...interesting phone conversations! You’d like that, would you? Shall I describe exactly what I'm doing? Like to hear my zipper going down like…this, would you?'


'How about the sound of rustling as I get my cock out like…this? Good? Shall I tell you how it feels? You've never really felt it, have you, Angel? You used to watch it though didn't you? I watched you, watching me. You know I did. I used to play with it for you: did you know that? Used to drive Dru wild, she thought I was doing it for her. But we knew different, didn't we Luv? Do you remember how the tip of your tongue would slip out between your lips as if you could catch these little drops on the end? Do you remember, Angelus? I would watch your tongue, tasting it with you. Are you playing with yourself now? Do you wish it were my hand, stroking you? Are you speeding up now, like me? Do you feel it coming…that, rush…that, ache…that, fuck, fuck…Angel…I'm gonna cum…come with me, Luv…oh…'

'Angel…you there?'

'Err, no. I think I'm there: with you!'

'Did you…?'

'Oh yes.'

'Huh! I'm good.'

'You're bad!'

'Oh, yeah. So…what you doing now, Pet?'

'Talking to you.'


'Look, this is ridiculous, Spike. Why don't you just come back? Please. That was fun…but, damn it, Spike, I've got one hundred years of fantasies concerning you I want to act out. I'm not doing it over the phone!'

'Oh. A few more days. Maybe. It's weird, Angel, but I really do feel…more myself now. Hey! Giles even offered me some tea this evening.'

'Hum…well, will you use this…to phone me: lots. I'm pretty busy here, but I'd NEVER be too busy to talk to you. I mean it. Only…if I'm in the office, stick to just talking, okay.'


'All right then, a few more days. But I really do miss you and like I said last night, I really do…want you.'

'So what are you doing now then…'

I think I should have sent the charger with the phone. At this rate he'll need to charge it after every call.

I came three times. Three times to the sound of his voice: husky; seductive; miles away through the cold, dark night.

I told him I missed him. I didn't tell him how much. It's not fair. If he feels he needs this 'space', then bringing him back here before he's ready would be disastrous.

I wonder sometimes, when and how he got to be so smart. Because I know he's right about all of this. There would have been no place for him here. What on earth was I thinking, wanting him to stay? He's not a lapdog, he's not a toy-boy, or, as he so aptly put it, a fuck-toy. He's a wild, free, independent-spirited demon. We'd have ended up killing each other.

So I have to give him the time to adapt and change. I had eighty years to learn to cope with a soul, I've only given him one day so far. But the phone was an inspired thought. I feel connected to him now. Whenever I want to talk to him, I can.


'Hi, Mate. It's been…fifty minutes. Feeling neglected again?'

'What are you doing…and don’t say, talking to me!'

'Okay, I'm going to bed…with a book.'

'You jest!'


'Oh. So what are you going to buy? With the money?'

'A book?'

'Spike…be serious, I don't want you living in squalor.'

'Well, I might get a TV. And a fridge.'

'You have power?'

'Err…tapped into, yeah.'

'Huh! What else?'

'Dunno…what are you doing now?'

'I'm undressing…for bed.'

'Oh. What are you wearing in bed?'

'Just a smile!'

'Oh, Jesus, Angel! Corny.'

'Sorry, I try!'

'So…why don't you tell, me, this time…what you're doing.'

'I'm not very good at this, Spike.'

'Practice then!'

''Well, err…I'm lying on my stomach, and I'm…err…I can't do this, Spike. It's embarrassing!'

'Shall I help you out a bit…you're lying on your stomach cus you're very hard and you don’t want me to see…remember? I was sitting in an armchair, watching Dru and Darla dancing. You were supposed to be watching them too…but you were watching me. And you got hard, so you turned over on your stomach and put your chin on your folded arms and stared at me. Remember?'

'Yes, you were naked too and your cock was huge, swollen. I remember. I couldn't take my eyes off it. I started rubbing myself on the bed and when I did, you smiled, even though you didn't seem to be looking at me. I was desperate to touch myself; I wanted to put my mouth on your cock to taste you. I ordered the women to come to bed, I knew you would come too…'

'But I didn't, did I?'

'No…you little git…you didn't! You stayed there and put on a show for me. And I watched you over their shoulders as I entered them. I watched you over their bellies as I sucked them. When I probed with my tongue, it was your slickness I was tasting…God, Will…I'm going to cum…I can picture your face, that bloody grin, like a devil in the candlelight. I'm coming in her, but it's not…it's you and you're so hot and tight and..uhh…Spike!'

'Fuck, Mate…I'm…you're in me…ahh!'

Right. I'm sending the charger tomorrow. For hours I have the tiny phone in my hand. I look at it: play with it. I can't believe his voice is only one press of a button away.

'You asleep yet?'


'What you thinking about? Me?'

'Nah, Giles actually.'


'He said he had something to tell me…something shocking. He didn't finish. I was wondering what it was.'

'Maybe he's about to declare unrequited love. Now you are all…'


'I was going to say, irresistible.'

'Oh. You are joking about the Watcher though, aren't you, Angel…I mean…'

'Oh yeah.'


'Still, he did offer you tea. Isn't that an Englishman's prelude to sex?'

'It's not funny, Angel. Anyway, he's human. I thought they only went one way…I mean what about the bitch he chucked me out for?'

'Maybe it's you. Maybe you've converted him. Maybe it was seeing you with the baby…he seemed very impressed by you when I spoke to him.'

'Stop fucking laughing, Mate. I thought he was going to tell me something about this sodding chip. He said it would be a shock. What else could it be…I thought he might have found a way to get it out…that's what I've been thinking about.'

'Oh. And what have you...thought?'

'Not sure yet, I keep getting interrupted by a horny, insatiable demon who keeps ringing me.'



'What…I haven't said anything.'

'Yes you have. Remember, Angel, I know everything about you. I can hear it in your voice. Oh he won't love me anymore…oh he won't want me anymore. He'll despise me again…blah…blah…blah.'

'You love me?'

'Angel. My chip please! Concentrate! We're talking about my chip…removal of.'

'What do you want to do? Do you want to go back to being able to feed? Do you want to kill them all?'

'Well, Harris aside, that's what I've been puzzling over. Cus, no. I don't think I do. Weird hey?'

'No, not really, Spike. It happens. You've had time to get to know them.'

'Oh, God. My head hurts with all this.'

'Wish I was there.'

'Oh yeah? What would you do?'

'Oh, I think I'd take your head in my lap and rub your temples a bit?'

'Umm, nice.'

'Then I'd bend over you and…Spike? Spike?'

Oh…damn. He got cut off. I am so tempted just to get in the car and drive to Sunnydale. I could be there in two hours. I'm half off the bed before I realise the stupidity of it. What would we do? Besides have sex that is. We'd still be where we are now. Nothing solved. Nothing long-term. And we've come so far in only five days. Five days ago he wasn't even speaking to me. Now we're having phone sex. Every ten minutes. Until his batteries went dead that is.

I think living with Spike: having him long-term, is going to be...interesting. And I don’t want to do anything to ruin my chance of that now. So, where is that charger? Must get it wrapped up securely.

Having had most of my beauty sleep disturbed by the randy demon from LA, I don't wake up till late afternoon. I finish off the blood I brought back from the Watcher's and get ready to head out for my shopping spree. I wonder how far one thousand dollars will go. I'd love a computer. Ideal for Vampires that can't go out during the day. Jesus, I could shop all day and surf porn: what a life! But if it's a toss up between that and a TV…hum…need a fridge too. Shit. It's fucking pathetic to have to need money. Unlife was so much easier in the old days – nothing worth having then! Now! Shit, it's a material world and I am just a material Vamp. People should just…give me stuff. This is so unfair.

'Oh bloody hell…what do you want? Don't you people ever knock. This is my home, Mate.'

'Suits you deadboy…it's dark, smells and…oh yeah…it's for dead people.'

'To what do I owe this displeasure, Harris?'

'Giles is calling a conference. It's important.'


'So, you're invited.'

'Fuck off. Not interested.'

'Oh yes you are…I can see it! Come on, we need you.'

'Oh, why?'

'Well, it's that cardboard farm boy, he wants to tell us all something.'

'Huh, you don't like him either.'

'Can't stand him.'

'Oh…well…I need some food anyway. So I'll come for that. Then I'm going.'

'Yeah. Come on then. So?'

'So what?'

'So, how you been?'

'What's it to you?'

'Oh, I don’t know. You seem…more like your old, evil self now.'

'Yeah? Thanks. Wait till I get this chip out though…then you'll see evil.'

'Why do you want to go all 'demony' again? I'd have thought being…human like this, was much better.'

'I'm not fucking human!'

'No, I know that, but you seem like you are…most of the time.'


'Well…you talk, and laugh and stuff. I never saw soulboy laugh, ever.'

'Nah. He is a bit serious. Guess he's got a lot of demon stuff to regret.'

'There you are then. See! You're more human like.'


'So where were you going?'

'To buy a TV.'

'Cool. What kind?'

'Well, I don’t know. I thought, wide-screen, surround-sound, maybe digital.'

'Phew. Expensive.'


'Oh yeah. Maybe you could get second-hand.'

'You think?'

'Then you could get a DVD too.'

'Yeah. Want a computer as well.'

'Ask Willow. She'll know what to get, bytes and stuff.'

'Good idea.'

Okay, someone wake me up. Cus I am strolling through town with Xander Harris…just talking. Like a real person. Like I didn't want to skip with his entrails two days ago.

And it gets even weirder when we get to the Watcher's. It's just as I imagine a committee meeting must be like. Watcher at the head of the table. Slayer next to him and then cardboard man. Red’s on the other side of the Watcher, Harris sits next to her, which leaves me...in the place of honour opposite the Watcher. Feel like taking fucking minutes or something. But it's nice to be included. Not that I'd admit that, to them.

God, I hate the soldier. He really gives me the creeps. I guess I must recognize him from my delightful, all-inclusive holiday with the Initiative. Guess he must have been one of the gits that captured me. Seems I know him better than that though. There is something familiar about his scent...up close like this...memories...hah...he doesn't like me staring at him either. Good. Gives me something to do then.

'I would just like to state for the record, that I don't like sharing a table with a Vampire. It's obscene.' Oh yeah, staring really getting to him.

'Shut up Riley. This is my house. If anyone is leaving it's you. Now what is this all about? Why the secrecy? What is the big secret?'

Oooh I love the Watcher when he is all Masterful! Farm boy don't though. Slayer's real funny, she's torn between the one and the other. And I'm thinking farm boy's losing his appeal. How could she have slept with Angel and then him? Defies belief. I wonder…

'Spike? Stop twiddling with that bloody ring and pay attention. Are you listening to this?'

'I'm riveted. Go on. Err…who was talking?' Was I playing with Angel’s ring? Now that’s just embarrassing. That is not Big Bad behaviour.

'I was saying, Hostile 17, that I believe I know what you were chipped for. What all the demons were chipped for. Well, those that weren't cut up for experimentation that is. God. Where to start? It appears that the chips are controllable…'

Oh, now I'm all ears.

'…there are remote control devices that were designed so the chips could be controlled and the hostiles with them in, could be…targeted.'

I think about three of us chorus, 'Targeted?'

'Well, yes. Think about it. A demon…a powerful fighting machine…that can't hurt its owner. Ever. Or anyone its owner doesn't want it to hurt…but a demon that's allowed to kill…encouraged to kill, anyone its master wants. It would be perfect. Think of the military applications!'

'From my experience as a Watcher, I must say this sounds highly dubious.'

'No wait Giles, from my military-man memories, I sort of remember something about giving the military stuff in their food that would alter their genetic code, so they would be recognized by other friendly military as…well, friendly.'

Jesus, Harris is weird sometimes. 'And that is relevant how?'

'Duh, Spike. It proves that when it comes to the Military, nothing is weird enough.'

'So what, they're creating a Demon army. Good luck to them. Long as no one wants me to enlist. I go with the Judy idea…condo…Yacht.' Blank faces. 'Fuck, does anyone actually watch TV these days?'

'I don't think they were being formed into an army. It would be too difficult to programme the chips to be able to recognize that many, do-not-kill people. No, I think they were being created for more, one-to-one jobs. Like body guards.'

'Well, I still don’t get what this…' I wave my hand vaguely around the table…'conference is all about.'

'I think the point is very obvious, Spike. There are no chipped demons left in the Initiative now. You, however, were the only one who appears to have escaped. So, where are all the others now? And more to the point, who has them and what are they doing with them?'

Why is everyone looking at me?


'Spike, we need someone who can infiltrate the Initiative, pass themselves off as a chipped demon, follow the supply route and lead us to the others.'

'Beats me, Mate. Who you got in mind then?'

'Look, Spike. It's perfect, Riley can 'recapture' you. It's the perfect opportunity. Then you get taken off, we follow you, we find out what's been happening to all the other demons. It's foolproof.'

'Err…foolproof. So you want me to go back to the place that cut my head open, tortured me, starved me. You want them to alter my chip so I can kill again. You want me to be sold into some sort of fucking, mercenary slavery. I may have to kill people again. Then you all come in like the Calvary…and rescue me. That's your foolproof plan is it?'

'Good isn't it?'

Lets just go over this one more time. Just so I've got it straight. I could be living in LA. I could be living the life of luxury, in LA. I could have everything paid for, every whim indulged, in LA. I could be fucked into the mattress every night by the most gorgeous body in LA, in LA. I could fuck the most gorgeous body in LA, in LA. Or I could go along with this…plan. Hum. Real hard decision here. But there is one little aspect of this otherwise soddingly awful plan that I do like. A remote control device hey? That turns the chip off when it's convenient? Oh, I think I might just get me one of those, and turn this chip off…permanently!


'Err…is that it? You agree?'

'Well, yeah. Hey! What! It's for the good of humanity, and babies and shit.'

I’m pretty sure they are all unconvinced of my sincerity. I’m hurt!

‘Yes, well. Right, Buffy, you and Riley make contact with the Initiative and tell them you have a lead on...Hostile 17. Spike, I’ll fit this for you.’ I don’t believe it, he’s holding up another fucking tracer.

‘No way. THAT is one of those things you just took out of me. And it hurt. You are not shooting one of those back in.’

‘Maybe we should treat it like a suppository.’ There is something in Soldier-boy’s eye I really didn’t like when he said that. As if, behind the joke, there was an element of...longing, fuck, even...knowing. He is spooky.

‘I think we can stitch it relatively painlessly just under the skin, perhaps under your arm. No one will find it, but we can track you. Come on, Spike. Be a man.’

So, yet again I end up in pain, covered in blood – well, all right, a slight dribble of blood – but it hurt! It’s only the thought of getting one of those remote control devices that keeps me going. The Watcher does a pretty neat job; I’ll give him that. As he crouches down, finishing stitching me up, I speak quietly to him.

‘So, what was this important news you had to tell me. Better tell me now...dangerous mission on behalf of babies everywhere an’ all that. Might not be coming back you know.’

‘Yes, Spike, I’ve been thinking about that. And that’s precisely why I’m not going to tell you, till you do come back. It would...distract you too much. It might actually end up getting you killed. And that would be a shame...now.’ His face is inches from mine. His warm hands are brushing over my side, checking to see if he can detect any sign of the tracer he has put under the skin. Can Angel really be right? Does Giles actually want me?

‘Err...Giles, you aren’t going to...profess...err...undying love or anything are you...cus if...’

‘Oh good Lord.’ Wow! I didn’t know someone that old could move that fast. He’s across the room and behind the protection of his couch before I can finish my sentence.

‘Spike! What an earth made you think that? I don’t think of you in that way. Good Lord. I mean, I’m not...neither are you...are you...no, of course not...you’re a Vampire...you go both...I mean...good Lord. No!’

‘Well...okay. What then? Just fucking tell me.’ Bloody glad I don’t blush sometimes.

But if he was about to tell me, the moment is lost cus the Slayer and Stick-up-his-arse-Soldier-boy get back.

‘We told them we’d rendezvous with a patrol and hand you over. Don’t want them getting suspicious if Riley just brings you in on his own. Come on then, Spike.’

Oh God. I was on my way to buy a TV. What happened?

I want to phone Angel and tell him what’s happening. But I can imagine what he would say. Firstly, no and secondly, you are NOT getting one of those devices. Angel ain’t stupid. But...do I really want one anyway? Isn’t it going to Bugger up all me plans? Oh, fucking hell, someone decide for me.

I have a feeling that another, spectacular kicking of my arse is about to occur.


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