“Ewww! No way, Spike! We’ve been here before and if you remember – well you wouldn’t cus you left – but everybody else got hurt; everybody broke up. It was a not-love spell. It was horrible. And I’m not doing it again.”

“LISTEN!” Bint! “That was different. I was different. I was thinkin’ all wrong. And anyway, you didn’t even have to do the soddin’ spell cus I left, so what are yer blathering about, yer witch?”

“Well, I’m not doing it, love spells are powerful. They’re dangerous and they go wrong! I mean look what happened between you and Buffy! No, it’s wrong to meddle.”

“That was not a love spell. That was a punishment. And anyway, I only need the spell to work on the p…errr, other party. I don’t need it. I already lov...err, well it’s just for someone else. Got it! If it’s too difficult for yer, I’ll ask the ex-demon with the incredibly bad taste in men.”

“Leave Xander out of this, and it is SO not too difficult for me, I’m just NOT going to do it.”

“So, what do you need?”

“No, Spike, following me around with puppy dog eyes is NOT going to work on me. You are powerless as far as I’m concerned. Use that look on Anya. Use it on Buffy. No Spike!”

“Stop it!”

“Stop what luv?”

“Stop lokin’ like that…all sort of, sad and, and pathetic. Yeah, it’s not going to work cus it’s pathetic, Spike. You don’t need a spell…you need to get out…meet people…oh, sorry. Well, don’t vampires date? A few dates, meet new vampire friends. Stop that!”

“Stop what, pet? Honestly, I’m not doin’ anything.”

“I can’t help it if no one loves you…I can imagine what’s that like…cus I’m so happy now…and I wasn’t…and love is SO wonderful…it makes you feel so special…and…ohhh…it’s so sad no one loves you…I’m so sorry…is there anything I can do?”

“Well, now that you mention it…” Bint!

“So, a love spell. For Dru?”

“NO! Not Dru, concentrate here bint!”

“Well who then? I have to have a name or I can’t cast a spell, can I?”

“Can’t you make it sorta general?”

“Spike, I either need a name, or at least some sort of body part – and ewww, don’t you DARE bring me something ucky – I mean, you bring hair, or a toenail or something.”

Oh sodding hell. This was such a good plan last night. ‘kay, let’s get this straight. I am NOT lonely. I don’t need anyone. I am just peachy thank you very much. No, I was thinkin’ of someone else for once. I was thinking of the ole Sire. I mean, I’ve got a nice crypt, free blood, and I have demons to fight. Hundreds of demons. Legions of fucking demons in Sunnyhell. So I’m OK. No, I was thinking of nancy-boy. I mean, what has he got? Nothin’, that’s what. Well yeah, so he has an apartment in LA, and yes, he has fuckin’ designer boxer shorts, and OK, he’s got friends, colleagues and, and a (jees, I can’t even say it), a job. But other than that, what has he got? Nothin’. That’s what. So he needs me. And he’s gonna get me.

My first thought was to turn up and let me undoubted charms work on the poof’s natural inclinations. But then I thought, needle nose pliars? Manacles? I’m not sure I’d get as far as the charm bit. He’d probably stake me right in me charms!

So then I thought of Red. Perfect.

But no way am I gonna tell the witch the spell’s for Angel. He’s the fuckin’ poof, not me. So now I need a body part. Shit. Now I have to go to LA.

You know this is gonna cost me a lot of money. Hope he appreciates all this effort I’m makin’ on his behalf!

It’s a nice drive to LA from Sunnyhell. Gives you time to think. Time to listen to some good sounds. Wonder when the Watcher’ll next use his car? Hope he doesn’t go too far from a petrol station! Jees, I hate the taste of petrol. Best thing about the drive though? Gives me time to plan. Formed a brilliant plan last time I came this way. Would have got me ring back, no probs. Just got bored though. So, devious plan ...



“Uhh...what the...Spike! I destroyed the Gem...Spike, ahhh!” I don’t believe it! It’s like a repeating nightmare. Another 2x4 in the face, Spike pounding into me again, same garage, same bloody headache. What is it with him?

“What do you want, Spike? I am not putting up with this again. Spike! Ow, that’s my hair! Ow, let go you little fuck!”

Hell, thought of a brilliant plan. Got bored though. Went for the easy option. Whack him in the head, grab some hair and run like shit. Fat pillock may be bigger and stronger than me, but one thing he ain’t and that’s faster! No way. Not carrying round all that easy-life lard.

So, drive back to Sunnyhell. This is usually the less fun bit. This is usually the bit where I have to admit to another spectacular kicking of my ass. But not this time. This time I did just fine. This time I have my future clutched securely in my hand.



“You can’t see it Angel, stop crying. Gees, what a wuss you are. Look in the mirror! Oh you can’t! Well I can see and there’s hardly a hole there!”

“Hole! Cordelia?” I pat desperately at the back of my head. I can feel a large chunk of hair missing. Feel where the little git ripped it out. God! I hate him.

“I said hardly a hole, Angel. Look buddy, I had a demon eye in the back of my hair and was I weeping and screaming? No, I was not. It’s just a little tuft. It’ll grow back...oh, sorry. Well, we can brush it over like this!”

“I think we are all missing the point here, Angel. I am a Watcher, well, ex-watcher, and when Spike turns up out of the blue, beats you pointlessly with a plank and runs off, I get worried. It’s bizarre and frankly, rather disturbing. I’ve rung Giles for an explanation but apparently no one’s seen Spike for days. They didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary though. But then with Spike, it’s hard to tell just what ordinary is!”

Why do I put up with this? Why don’t I just go to Sunnydale and stake him once and for all? I’m bigger, stronger, faster and cleverer than him. Always have been; always will be. I killed Darla, I killed Penn. I destroyed Dru. It’s just him. Always him, pulling me back to the life I want to leave behind. But it’s time now. It’s time to end it. Time to have closure with Spike.

“I’m going to Sunnydale!”

Usually I like the drive to Sunnydale. It gives me time to brood. Time to think quietly about my life, my striving for redemption. Time to arm myself again for the good fight. But not this time. Damn him. Why does he do this? How does he do this? How does he manage to divert me so far from my path of righteousness, that I am in this car and on this unnecessary journey? I have demons to fight, people to save but no, I am in this car, driving to Sunnydale.

I loath him. I positively loath him. Why me? Why can’t he just leave me alone? He effectively destroyed my life with Buffy. He nearly had me killed for his ring. Now this. My bloody hair! Am I supposed to sit back and take this from him again and again, whenever he feels like a bit of Angel baiting? And what about the others? If he is this unpredictable, this out of control, he’ll be a danger to Buffy.

But this is what it’s always been like between us. He’s never been the least bothered about my rights as his Sire. He’s never been the dutiful Childe. I made rules. He broke them. I planned. He played. I fought. He fucked. He made my life hell and I let him. I never curbed him, never punished him enough. Well, easy ride over ‘Mate’, because I’m not the pushover for you Angelus was. I don’t have the distractions Angelus had. I won’t stop my hand because your blue eyes mock me. I won’t spare the stake because your tight, hard body entices me. I won’t spare you because I don’t love you. Like he did.