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Learning To Share - Chapter 8

I still can't get hold of the poof. It's constantly engaged. Watcher still ain't come home, and lookin' at his place, I'm kinda glad. So I guess me only other option is the Slayer. So you know how desperate I've become. This shit ain't gonna be cured by a well-placed kick to the gonads, cus bless her, she ain't brain of fuckin' Britain, is she? And you just know she’s gonna be real pleased to see the new, improved Angel...the one who was human...the one she coulda had as her little ‘boyfriend’...but oh...fuck me...the one I killed yesterday! But you never know. Red might have something useful for me. Or the other one. The quiet one. Like her.

Just gotta pass the afternoon now with him. So, what's it gonna be? Don't think Monopoly's on the cards somehow. Shit, not even sure how we'd find the bleeding game, even if we wanted to. The place looks as though it's been trashed. All the good stuff's gone anyway. We've broken most of the rest. And then there's the err…spillages. On the counter, on the floor, in the bed, in the bathroom. Shit, guess I know what we'll be doing then. He'll be doin'. Cus I'm the Sire now. I get to order and manage. He's the Childe, he gets to do.

An' it’s not like I care really. ‘Bout the place. Cus I don’t. Shit it ain’t even mine and I don’t give a toss about my place usually. But it’s him. He’s gotta learn. He’s gotta learn not to defy me, no matter what it is I’m gettin’ ‘im to do. He’s just gotta obey me. He might end up being my investment in eternity, so I want to get it right.



Fucking Childer. They are such hard work! I ended up doin’ it all me bleeding self. First he whined. Then he refused. Then he cried. Then he made more mess doing it than there was before. Jesus. Lucky for the poof I never even tried to help if this is what it's like being a Sire! But it does kinda alter your feelings for 'em when they are so…disobedient. Soddin' hell, I'll be getting a bat-face in a minute. But he's really pissed me off this afternoon. I don't really feel like being nice to 'im now. Don't want to join him in the shower he's so vocally enjoying. Definitely don't want to be in the bed with him for a while. He's made me madder than hell. So I go outside in the darkening evening to think for a bit. Fucking hell, I'll be reading French bleeding philosophy next. Wish I could talk this through with Angel.

Is this what I'm like? Do I piss him off like this all the time? I kinda thought I was being endearing. Now I'm wondering if I was just being an arsehole. Cus till you’re a Sire you can’t know what it’s like. You’ve killed them. Taken all their life blood and made it yours. So you want ‘em to be good. To be evil. To be strong. To be a companion for eternity. Not some fucking little shit who don’t care about you.

Cus I’m not stupid. I’ve seen the looks Angel’s been giving me. I’ve seen the hurt on his face, felt his loneliness. But it’s hard. Hard to break the habits of a long, undead lifetime. Angelus never wanted me as anything else but what I am. He liked me dependent, needy, selfish, greedy. Better to control. Easier to punish. So I was what he wanted me to be. Then he soddin’ changed. Got a soul. Next time I see him, he’s calling himself Angel an' wearing cashmere. And he’s all responsible and broody. Then I get chipped. So what does he fucking expect? We can work all this out overnight. Cus he ain’t the most talkative demon himself. He don’t exactly open up ‘bout stuff.

It was me who made all the moves to get us this far. I came to LA. I came to see him every day. Shit, most of the time he couldn’t even stay in the same bleedin’ room as me. I got Cordelia to throw a party. I made the first move there. I’ve done fuckin’ everything, but I know he wants more. So who’s the fuckin’ needy one then? Me or him? And I’m so scared. I’m fuckin’ terrified. Cus his need is overwhelming. Am I gonna be enough? Or will I give me all and find it’s not enough. Find I’m not enough. For him. Cus what then?

Coming to Angel was me last chance really. I’m a chipped soddin’ vampire. Might as well take a lion, tear out its teeth from the roots, pull out its claws and set it loose. What’s it gonna do? Eat grass? Shit, that’d be the neediest fuckin’ lion you’d ever be likely to meet. But I’ve been lucky. I had a Sire still around. One who wanted me back. So I wasn’t gonna fuck it up by being different. By changing what I knew. Nah, stick with what works. It’s worked for one hundred and twenty six years.

But if I could go home right now? Shit, I’m not planning on doin’ the ironing or nothing, but I think I’d like to talk to the poof. Think I’d let him watch me shows with me. Think I’d like to lie in bed and just...talk for once. Yeah, that’d be nice. After a good shag that is.



When it’s dark we head out to the Slayer's place. I’m trying out all sorts of intros in me head...’Slayer, it’s me, but...kinda not me.’ ‘Slayer, this is NOT Angel, so don’t go all mushy on me.’ 'Slayer gets yer mitts off ‘im, he’s mine.’ Fuck it, this ain’t gonna be easy. Cus I don’t even know what I want. Can’t go back to LA. I’m already there. So’s Angel. Two mes, two Angels. Hey, now there’s an idea, get me a little daisy chain goin’. But these pleasant thoughts are rudely interrupted by a loud shout.

‘Get ‘em!’

Two very mean, pissed off vampires, in full game face are coming across the street towards us. They have semi-concealed cross bows and I’m not waiting around to see stakes as well. I grab little Bill and start running down an alley. But he stops, turns around, and flashing me a huge grin announces with glee, ‘got us a little action.’

He dives into the first vampire, kicking and punching like...well, like a two day old fledgling who wants to be like his Sire. I scream at him to run, but he gives me a one finger salute. So there’s nothin’ else to be done. I turn back and throw myself on the second vamp who’s trying to bring his bow up to the aim. He’s a pretty easy target, even for a semi-retired Master Vampire. He goes down dusted before he really knew what hit him. I hear a grunt from behind and when I turn, Little Bill has his opponent in a pretty good tackle himself. He uses the vamp's own stake against him and stands up, clearly delighted by his success. He turns and throws me a cheeky, ‘told you so grin.’



I think the grin was the last thing that turned to dust. I think his body went first, but I remember his grin. In my mind. I remember his grin still being there. Afterwards. When the rest of him was all dust. I must have lived this exact moment over a thousand times in bad dreams since Angel turned me. I must have played out Angel’s death so many times in those nightmares you would think I’d be better prepared. That I’ve have gotten used to it. But it don’t work like that, cus every time I woke, every fucking time, the fear had increased. Layer upon layer of fear. So I wasn’t prepared. I was paralysed. By fear. Till I heard a chuckle from the end of the alley as the third vampire, unseen before, fitted another shaft to the bow.

He was over twenty feet away. So you had to be impressed by his aim. He’d managed to hit my young Childe through the heart from over twenty feet. Not as impressive as the speed with which I covered that distance though.

It’s not true that vampires can only be killed by staking, beheading or burning. Lots of other things can kill us. Eventually. It just takes time, and you have to be more inventive. It took me two days. Billy would’ve enjoyed watching, I think. He was pure demon.

There is no trace of his dust at all when I return to the alley. After I’ve finished. In those two days, he’s just gone. I kneel in the dark and run my hands over the spot where I saw him turn to me that last time. I want something I can feel, some small part of that unique unlife I had created. But if I feel anything, it’s only despair.

I’m so lost now I’m not even sure I even count as being here anymore.

Seems fitting to see it through in the cemetery. Time to go. I am utterly bereft. In losing my Childe, I lost my last link to my Sire. In losing that link I have lost myself. It’s starting to get light. It’s almost warm on my, so cold skin. I’m gonna enjoy it while I can. I take a deep drag of my last cigarette. And close my eyes to the approaching fire.



Well, if that’s flames, I’ve been worryin’ for nothing, cus that light is just soft and easy. I open my eyes and find myself staring into Angel’s reading lamp on the side of the bed. I turn and lay on my back, slowly opening and closing my eyes, just testing the reality. Here. Still here. Here. Still here. My head is pounding like the worst of hangovers. But here. Still here.

Back.

And fuck, by Angel’s digital alarm, it’s only been one night. But no way was that a dream. I dream a lot. Good dreams, bad dreams, evil dreams if I’m lucky. And I know the difference. No blood pounding, orgasm-in-the-middle-of-the-night dream was as real as that. I was there. He was. Until he wasn’t. I hear the TV on in the living room, like it was when I fell asleep. Alone.

So shit, I’m back. And suddenly me list of things to do don’t seem so easy. I’m not so brave now. Feel a little dented. Feel a little lost. Need Angel. But I’m not sure now that Angel needs me.


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