Learning To Share - Chapter 8
I still can't get hold of the poof. It's constantly
engaged. Watcher still ain't come home, and lookin' at his place, I'm kinda
glad. So I guess me only other option is the Slayer. So you know how desperate
I've become. This shit ain't gonna be cured by a well-placed kick to the gonads,
cus bless her, she ain't brain of fuckin' Britain, is she? And you just know
sheís gonna be real pleased to see the new, improved Angel...the one who was
human...the one she coulda had as her little Ďboyfriendí...but oh...fuck me...the
one I killed yesterday! But you never know. Red might have something useful
for me. Or the other one. The quiet one. Like her.
Just gotta pass the afternoon now with him. So, what's it gonna be? Don't think Monopoly's on the cards somehow. Shit, not even sure how we'd find the bleeding game, even if we wanted to. The place looks as though it's been trashed. All the good stuff's gone anyway. We've broken most of the rest. And then there's the errÖspillages. On the counter, on the floor, in the bed, in the bathroom. Shit, guess I know what we'll be doing then. He'll be doin'. Cus I'm the Sire now. I get to order and manage. He's the Childe, he gets to do.
An' itís not like I care really. ĎBout the place. Cus I donít. Shit it ainít even mine and I donít give a toss about my place usually. But itís him. Heís gotta learn. Heís gotta learn not to defy me, no matter what it is Iím gettiní Ďim to do. Heís just gotta obey me. He might end up being my investment in eternity, so I want to get it right.
Fucking Childer. They are such hard work! I ended up doiní it all me bleeding self. First he whined. Then he refused. Then he cried. Then he made more mess doing it than there was before. Jesus. Lucky for the poof I never even tried to help if this is what it's like being a Sire! But it does kinda alter your feelings for 'em when they are soÖdisobedient. Soddin' hell, I'll be getting a bat-face in a minute. But he's really pissed me off this afternoon. I don't really feel like being nice to 'im now. Don't want to join him in the shower he's so vocally enjoying. Definitely don't want to be in the bed with him for a while. He's made me madder than hell. So I go outside in the darkening evening to think for a bit. Fucking hell, I'll be reading French bleeding philosophy next. Wish I could talk this through with Angel.
Is this what I'm like? Do I piss him off like this all the time? I kinda thought I was being endearing. Now I'm wondering if I was just being an arsehole. Cus till youíre a Sire you canít know what itís like. Youíve killed them. Taken all their life blood and made it yours. So you want Ďem to be good. To be evil. To be strong. To be a companion for eternity. Not some fucking little shit who donít care about you.
Cus Iím not stupid. Iíve seen the looks Angelís been giving me. Iíve seen the hurt on his face, felt his loneliness. But itís hard. Hard to break the habits of a long, undead lifetime. Angelus never wanted me as anything else but what I am. He liked me dependent, needy, selfish, greedy. Better to control. Easier to punish. So I was what he wanted me to be. Then he soddiní changed. Got a soul. Next time I see him, heís calling himself Angel an' wearing cashmere. And heís all responsible and broody. Then I get chipped. So what does he fucking expect? We can work all this out overnight. Cus he ainít the most talkative demon himself. He donít exactly open up Ďbout stuff.
It was me who made all the moves to get us this far. I came to LA. I came to see him every day. Shit, most of the time he couldnít even stay in the same bleediní room as me. I got Cordelia to throw a party. I made the first move there. Iíve done fuckiní everything, but I know he wants more. So whoís the fuckiní needy one then? Me or him? And Iím so scared. Iím fuckiní terrified. Cus his need is overwhelming. Am I gonna be enough? Or will I give me all and find itís not enough. Find Iím not enough. For him. Cus what then?
Coming to Angel was me last chance really. Iím a chipped soddiní vampire. Might as well take a lion, tear out its teeth from the roots, pull out its claws and set it loose. Whatís it gonna do? Eat grass? Shit, thatíd be the neediest fuckiní lion youíd ever be likely to meet. But Iíve been lucky. I had a Sire still around. One who wanted me back. So I wasnít gonna fuck it up by being different. By changing what I knew. Nah, stick with what works. Itís worked for one hundred and twenty six years.
But if I could go home right now? Shit, Iím not planning on doiní the ironing or nothing, but I think Iíd like to talk to the poof. Think Iíd let him watch me shows with me. Think Iíd like to lie in bed and just...talk for once. Yeah, thatíd be nice. After a good shag that is.
When itís dark we head out to the Slayer's place. Iím trying out all sorts of intros in me head...íSlayer, itís me, but...kinda not me.í ĎSlayer, this is NOT Angel, so donít go all mushy on me.í 'Slayer gets yer mitts off Ďim, heís mine.í Fuck it, this ainít gonna be easy. Cus I donít even know what I want. Canít go back to LA. Iím already there. Soís Angel. Two mes, two Angels. Hey, now thereís an idea, get me a little daisy chain goiní. But these pleasant thoughts are rudely interrupted by a loud shout.
Two very mean, pissed off vampires, in full game face are coming across the street towards us. They have semi-concealed cross bows and Iím not waiting around to see stakes as well. I grab little Bill and start running down an alley. But he stops, turns around, and flashing me a huge grin announces with glee, Ďgot us a little action.í
He dives into the first vampire, kicking and punching like...well, like a two day old fledgling who wants to be like his Sire. I scream at him to run, but he gives me a one finger salute. So thereís nothiní else to be done. I turn back and throw myself on the second vamp whoís trying to bring his bow up to the aim. Heís a pretty easy target, even for a semi-retired Master Vampire. He goes down dusted before he really knew what hit him. I hear a grunt from behind and when I turn, Little Bill has his opponent in a pretty good tackle himself. He uses the vamp's own stake against him and stands up, clearly delighted by his success. He turns and throws me a cheeky, Ďtold you so grin.í
I think the grin was the last thing that turned to dust. I think his body went first, but I remember his grin. In my mind. I remember his grin still being there. Afterwards. When the rest of him was all dust. I must have lived this exact moment over a thousand times in bad dreams since Angel turned me. I must have played out Angelís death so many times in those nightmares you would think Iíd be better prepared. That Iíve have gotten used to it. But it donít work like that, cus every time I woke, every fucking time, the fear had increased. Layer upon layer of fear. So I wasnít prepared. I was paralysed. By fear. Till I heard a chuckle from the end of the alley as the third vampire, unseen before, fitted another shaft to the bow.
He was over twenty feet away. So you had to be impressed by his aim. Heíd managed to hit my young Childe through the heart from over twenty feet. Not as impressive as the speed with which I covered that distance though.
Itís not true that vampires can only be killed by staking, beheading or burning. Lots of other things can kill us. Eventually. It just takes time, and you have to be more inventive. It took me two days. Billy wouldíve enjoyed watching, I think. He was pure demon.
There is no trace of his dust at all when I return to the alley. After Iíve finished. In those two days, heís just gone. I kneel in the dark and run my hands over the spot where I saw him turn to me that last time. I want something I can feel, some small part of that unique unlife I had created. But if I feel anything, itís only despair.
Iím so lost now Iím not even sure I even count as being here anymore.
Seems fitting to see it through in the cemetery. Time to go. I am utterly bereft. In losing my Childe, I lost my last link to my Sire. In losing that link I have lost myself. Itís starting to get light. Itís almost warm on my, so cold skin. Iím gonna enjoy it while I can. I take a deep drag of my last cigarette. And close my eyes to the approaching fire.
Well, if thatís flames, Iíve been worryiní for nothing, cus that light is just soft and easy. I open my eyes and find myself staring into Angelís reading lamp on the side of the bed. I turn and lay on my back, slowly opening and closing my eyes, just testing the reality. Here. Still here. Here. Still here. My head is pounding like the worst of hangovers. But here. Still here.
And fuck, by Angelís digital alarm, itís only been one night. But no way was that a dream. I dream a lot. Good dreams, bad dreams, evil dreams if Iím lucky. And I know the difference. No blood pounding, orgasm-in-the-middle-of-the-night dream was as real as that. I was there. He was. Until he wasnít. I hear the TV on in the living room, like it was when I fell asleep. Alone.
So shit, Iím back. And suddenly me list of things to do donít seem so easy. Iím not so brave now. Feel a little dented. Feel a little lost. Need Angel. But Iím not sure now that Angel needs me.